案例

cases

客户真实案例分析

富有个性的自我陈述一定是找准了申请者的亮点,并进行深度聚焦。这些亮点出现的地方可以是:人生经历中独特的插曲、非同寻常的天赋、自我奋斗过程中克服超常的困难、杰出的品格、对所申请专业深入细致的了解、对适合自己研究方向的真实认识、优异的学习成绩、出众的工作经历等。
自我陈述的最大忌讳是毫无特色、枯燥乏味。因此,我们要在看似平淡的简历中挖掘出不平常的亮点,这一两个亮点会让您的整篇 Personal Statement 光彩夺目!

以下案例均通过申请者的书面认可登于本网站。

寻找并聚焦您的亮点!

案例一:

四川美术学院的A.Li同学

简况:

从小喜爱绘画;
曾获得“多喜爱”杯全国青少年儿童绘画大赛二等奖,“希望”杯全国青少年绘画大赛三等奖,长沙市四中绘画比赛第一名;
业余帮一些杂志报纸绘文章插图赚取稿费;
申请攻读英国某高校美术专业硕士

分析:

参加各种绘画比赛获奖的记录及给报纸杂志撰画说明了她在本行业上的丰硕成果,但这些记录是枯燥单调的,无法使她爱绘画也擅长于绘画这个形象鲜活灵动起来,于是编辑为她设计了下面一段文字:

Wind, and the problems of capturing it on canvas, fascinated me. When studying at Sichuan Fine Arts Institute, I showed the lengths I would go to for the sake of an artistic challenge. I decided to paint the sheer silk curtain with ripples by the wind from one lower side. Since there was no obliging breeze, two roommates were asked to use a fan in various positions and create ripples with the artificial wind. The campus photographer, who was asked to record the effect as an aide-memoire, was heard muttering, “This girl is completely mad.”

风,以及把风捕捉在画布上的问题,曾使我痴迷。当我在四川美术学院学习的时候,我会为了这些问题尽心竭力。我决定去画那块光滑而轻薄的丝绸窗帘因一侧微风而泛起一丝的摺皱。由于没有方便的微风,因此我请求两位室友在不同的位置用扇子扇出人造风来,使窗帘呈现出细微摺纹。我还请求校园里的摄影师把这个效应照下来作为参考佐证。有人听见那摄影师自言自语地说:“这个女孩真是疯了。”

编辑了解到这位申请者在个人生活上经历了一些挫折,如父母在她初中毕业时离异,最关爱她的奶奶在当年初离开人世。于是编辑聪明地将这些挫折与她的绘画有机地结合起来,将她一生与绘画已经结下的缘分和将来会有的相依相靠的关系推上了一个新的高度。编辑在她的个人陈述中写道:

When I wandered forlornly in the various stages of my life, the Muse of Painting always came to my rescue. My parents got divorced after I graduated from Junior High. At the beginning of this year, my most loved grandma passed away. I found solace in painting when these adversities struck. Despite the demands of my academic studies, no opportunity for painting was missed. My paraphernalia – easel, canvases, brushes (freshly cleaned), paint box, and stool – accompanied me even on the busiest and most chaotic days. If it weren’t for painting, I couldn’t live happily. I couldn’t bear the strain of things. Painting is a great companion with whom I am to walk for my entire life.

当我在人生的各阶段孤零愁苦地徘徊时,司绘画之缪斯女神解救了我。父母在我初中毕业后离异了,今年年初最亲爱的奶奶永远地离开了我。在遭遇到这些打击时,我在绘画中找到了安慰。尽管我有繁重的学业压力,然而我从来没有错过一次绘画的机会。我的随身用具──画架、画布、画笔、颜料盒和凳子──一直伴随着我,哪怕在最忙碌混乱的日子。假如不是绘画的话,我不可能快乐地活下去,我不能承受这些事件的严峻考验。我将要和绘画这个好伙伴一起度过我的整个人生。

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案例二:

南京师范大学J.F.Zhao同学
简况:

很少参加课外活动;
勤工俭学,自己承担学业上的经济压力;
父亲经营百货店,曾经营不善,面临破产;
大学本科成绩平平,托福、GRE分数不高;
去年被诊断出有骨瘤,后经手术痊愈;
申请攻读美国某高校的商学院硕士

分析:

在对这位申请者背景资料的审核中,编辑发现他缺乏特长、专项和爱好,同时学习成绩也最好不要在PS中提到,因为无法为他的申请加分。另一方面,申请者的个人奋斗和克服挫折的能力和经历不是一般人比得上的。他的勤工俭学和克服病魔,很好地体现了自我管理能力,说明他的AQ(Adversity Quotient逆境商数)相当高。这样宝贵的品质从某种程度上来说,比在学校里读书的成绩要更加重要,更有说服力。

于是编辑打破了以时间为主线,或以罗列亮点为结构的通常写法,而以他人生的两次考验作为开头,写得非常生动感人。注意,这个开头不是空洞的自吹自擂,而是完全以事实说话,并把事实说得相当淋漓漂亮。

In my early 20’s, two misfortunes occurred in my life that helped build my character and affirm my pursuit of happiness.

在我二十出头的年纪时,人生真正给我好好地上了一课。接连发生的两次不幸,锤炼了我的性格,同时坚定了我对幸福执着的追求。

In April of the year 2009, I was diagnosed with a bone tumor. During those days in the hospital, I watched the patients in wheelchairs on the same floor. There was something frightening – almost omnipotent – about watching them being moved to and fro in the hallway. Until one day, I came upon a quote from my favorite businessman and entrepreneur, James Cash Penney. In speaking of the Great Depression, Penney said, “I would never have amounted to anything were it not for adversity. I was forced to come up the hard way!” When I found my courage, Fate decided to give me a hand. The surgery went successfully and I am now fully recovered.

2009年四月,我被诊断出有骨瘤。在住院的日子里,我周围都是同楼层坐着轮椅的病友。看着他们只能倚靠着轮椅在大厅里进进出出,一种莫大的恐惧从四面八方向我袭来。直到有一天,我读到自己最喜爱的商人兼企业家,James Cash Penney,在经济大萧条时说的著名引言:“如果没有逆境,我不可能成就任何事情,我是被推赶着走在这条艰辛的道路上。”当我从他的话里找到勇气时,命运也决定助我一臂之力。手术进行地很顺利,我现在痊愈了。

Two years ago, an unpredictable financial crisis hit my family, which would cause the discontinuation of my study in Nanjing Normal University. Relatives and friends suggested I quit the schooling and go back to my hometown. When I turned to my parents, they said nothing but “Hang in there.” In their voice, I heard hope and faith. I did not go home, but found a job at McDonald’s during the summer. I worked hard and got promoted quickly from behind the bar to Customer Service Manager. I felt so exhausted at the end of every day. I barely had strength to walk back to the dorm. On the way back, I told myself everyday to keep going – put one foot in front of the other. So no matter how exhausted I was, I always kept on, and eventually I walked out of the family crisis and am walking on the path toward completion of my studies in Nanjing Normal University.

两年以前,我们家意外地经历了一场经济危机,我在南京师范大学的学业面临着被迫终止的危险。亲戚朋友们建议我干脆退学,回到家乡去。当我和父母交谈时,他们只是说“再坚持坚持!”在他们的声音里,我听到了希望和信念。暑假里我没有回家,而是在麦当劳找了一份工作。我非常勤奋地工作,很快从柜台后的普通职员提拔到客户服务经理。每天收工后走在回家的路上,我精疲力竭地几乎没有力气踏回宿舍。我告诉自己,往前走就好了,只需把一只脚迈在另一只脚的前面。无论多累多困,我坚持着往前行走。终于,我走出了家庭的经济危机,并正在走向完成南京师范大学学业的道路上。

Looking back, I have no complaints that my life unfolded itself in the direction it did. Without these two incidents, I would not know who I really am and what I really like. I would neither be so assured of my dream nor have all the determination to realize it.

回首往事,我不会抱怨生活没有按我预想的轨道运行。没有这两次意外,我将不会真正认识自己和自己的潜能,我也不会对自己的梦想如此确定,并获得实现梦想的激情。

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案例三:

Z.Jiang同学毕业于上海外国语学院
简况:大学本科专业是英语;
毕业后从事笔译和口译工作八年;
业余爱好下围棋;
申请攻读美国某高校的法学博士

分析:

这位申请者最大的劣势是跨专业申请。她之前没有任何法律专业学习背景和工作经验,怎样才能讲清楚现在申请的新专业有其必然性呢?怎样才能说服录取委员会,让他们用美国纳税人的钱给申请者发奖学金,让她去美国读一个对她而言全新的专业呢?

于是编辑意识到需要在申请法律专业的理由和动机上下足功夫。只要把这个拦路虎消灭,这个案例就成功一大半了。编辑决定在文章一开头就直击重点。于是申请者的PS是这样开头的:

There was never any doubt that I would pick Law as my major for further education. “Equal Justice Under Law,” reads the motto atop the U.S. Supreme Court building. The words are lofty, but for the thousands of people who trudge through the criminal justice system daily and who speak no English, the phrase means literally nothing. American justice for the Chinese immigrants who do not comprehend English is anything but uniform, let alone understandable.

对于我在继续深造时要选择法律作为专业这一点上,我从未有过丝毫怀疑。美国最高法院大楼楼顶上的箴言写道:“法律面前人人平等。”这些字眼是崇高的,但是对于成千上万每天艰难地通过刑事审判制的人和不会讲英语的人来说,这句话毫无意义。对于这些被告中的许多人来说,这句话在法律上也是空洞的。在那些不懂英语的居住于美国的中国移民看来,美国的公正一成不变,不过尔尔,更谈不上可以理解了。

编辑在写到申请者下围棋的爱好时,也不失时机地加了以下一句,将围棋所体现的精髓与申请者看重的平等精神联系起来。

The Chinese Wei-qi game embodies the equal spirit. Each stone on the game board, either black or white, has equal status and rule of movement.

中国围棋体现了平等精神。棋盘上的每一颗棋子,不管是白子还是黑子,都有着平等的地位和游戏规则。

“人人享有自由权利和得到公正对待”在美国社会中是至高无上的价值观念。申请者一旦打出这张牌,说清楚自己的双语背景和即将学到的法律知识可以帮助到中国移民在美国享受到应有的权利,同时彰显美国的推崇的社会价值,录取委员会不得不对她的申请资料慎重考虑。

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案例四:

B.L.Tan 同学就读于中国矿业大学
简况:成绩优异;
出生成长于黑龙江;
朝鲜族人;
申请美国某大学的环境科学博士,研究“煤田火”方向

分析:

编辑在审核Tan同学的资料时,首先提出的疑问是他为什么一定要研究“煤田火”,这一特定的专业方向与他的教育背景和人生经历有何关联?在深入了解他的资料时,编辑获知他过去生活的小镇就是因地下煤火造成的巨大污染而被废弃了,这一资料对这封PS的脱颖而出至关重要。从事这篇PS写作的编辑同样来自环境学背景,因此对地下煤火的知识和相关数据非常清楚。

编辑在PS的撰写中还强调了他生活的村落是朝鲜族聚居地,因为美国高校在Political Correctness的政策下,有可能从同等条件的申请者中优先录取种族、身体机能、家庭状况处于弱势的少数群族,这个群族被称作disadvantaged group. 于是,他的PS是这样开头的:

Born and bred at ***, a village located in the northeast of China for the Korean ethnic minority group, I love my beautiful hometown. However, the most notorious China coal fire started in a mine close to our village in 1990s. The village was abandoned when pollution became intolerable – and the coal is still burning today. In China, the leading coal producing nation, underground fires are believed to consume up to 200m tones of coal per year. That would release as much carbon dioxide per year as all the road vehicles in the US – equivalent to 2 to 3 per cent of carbon dioxide emissions from global fossil fuel burning. I felt sorry that I was not able to save my hometown and stop the largely hidden conflagrations in my home country that contribute significantly to global warming. I need to equip myself with expertise to invent a high-tech means of putting out coal fires.

我在中国东北的一个朝鲜族聚居村落里出生和长大。我爱我美丽的家乡。然而,中国一场最臭名昭著的煤火在上世纪90年代始于家乡附近的一个煤矿。污染变得让人无法忍受,这个村落最终被废弃了,而煤火至今还在地下燃烧。在中国这个世界煤炭生产大国,地下火据认为每年要烧掉达2亿吨煤,由此每年释放出的二氧化碳量同美国所有机动车辆排放的量一样多──相当于全世界矿物燃料燃烧所排放的二氧化碳量的2%-3%。我难过于自己没有能力挽救我的家乡和阻止在祖国境内发生的造成全球变暖的大规模隐蔽的火灾。我需要靠专业知识武装自己以发明出一项扑灭煤火的高科技方法。

这一段文字的描述说明申请者对申请的专业有充足的理由和强大的动力,加之他的成绩优异,证明了他对此专业有令人信服的学习潜能。面对这样的申请者,委员会还有什么犹豫的呢?

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